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This certainly was not what I had in mind for my next post. Life (and Death, I’ll bet) is full of surprises.
My high school classmate Marge sent an email announcing the passing of her husband, Ed, in Florida. I would like to share with you an email I received from Ed on May 7, 2007 about the passing of his friend, Ron, and the email from Ed’s wife about his passing. Ed’s tribute to his friend had a photo attached, which I am not including here. I was so taken with Ed’s tribute I created a Do Not Delete folder in my email just so I could save it. This man was so loving, sincere, honest and loyal. To be so loving, and to be so loved—we should all be so fortunate.
First, Ed’s tribute to his friend Ron (exactly as he wrote it) that I received May 7, 2007.
Subject: My Buddy
This is my buddy RONIE he left his friends and love one and fishing buddy last nit .... I hope his trip to heaven was great he really was such a good friend and a good person I will always miss him.... He had a heart attack and it took him some time life don't seam to be fare but I guess I was lucky he the one that got me in to fishing and I don't think I will ever catch a fish with out thinking of him....this hurts much more then the surgeons scalpel.....ED Q p. s....... He was only 61 years old I know a lot of you that I sent this don't know him...wanted you to know I am proud to have been his friend
Then, this tribute to Ed received from his wife (my high school classmate), Marge, on April 19, 2008.
Subject: Ed’s Fight With Cancer!
As you all know Ed has been over four years now giving the illness his all to win. Three surgeries, radiation, chemo, and with the last doctor trips and CT-PET scans, blood test continuous. He was doing well early March or so it seemed. On March 19 he was admitted to Munroe Hospital "touch of pneumonia" upon further test cancer had gone to lungs and throat, and other complications. They discharged him on March 23 (his Birthday) 73. His choice was to have comfort and dignity with Estelle Hospice House, Ocala. I was with my love, soul mate, best friend, to the moment he was lifted to rest and peace in the Lord's home March 31. I am sorry I didn't inform you sooner. I just returned home today. I've been with my sister Judy and my Mom what a blessing to have wonderful close family as mine. I will truly miss Ed. We were fortunate to have come into each other’s lives. We shared many great moments, traveled, were spontaneous often dropping things and go for what awaited us. Fishing, motorcycle ride, sail-all these fond memories will be my comfort. Ed lived a full life experiencing many things. Sailed ocean CT to Fl, Bahamas, Virgin Islands, Inter Coastal, Lakes, Scuba Dived love the Keys so beautiful and peaceful, motorcycle toured most of the states, tried flying but that was to confining, always the camera man, last love beside me was fishing could stay out all day without eating...to stay in touch with his friends was important. Again he certainly will be missed. Best regards and care to all...His loving wife, Marge.
There are so many experiences I want to share with you, but I think the best place to start is the most recent. This was a time of great trauma for my family. My grandson, Philip, was only 19 when he died in Iraq. I have never known such grief. It was as if my Soul had been ripped right out of me with no chance of getting it back. You want to talk about a Dark Night of the Soul? We have all experienced this, or will at some time, and it is an individual crisis. No other person can possibly plumb the same depths you have; cannot possibly feel the emptiness you have or will feel. Empathy can go only so far. In my despair I wrote a poem, Rituals and Prayers – the Questions. When I wrote that I was so mad at God we were no longer on speaking terms. Then, by the Grace of God, a month later, I had my answer. That’s when I wrote the essay, Rituals and Prayers – the Answers.
I present them to you now. First read the poem then follow up with the essay. By all means share this story with anyone you feel will benefit. I can only tell you what happened to me and what worked for me. Each of us has to find our own way.
Rituals and Prayers – The Questions
How many millennia ago
did our ancestors perform
rituals to ensure the sun and moon
would rise between two stone pillars
on a certain day
during a certain time of year
and set between
two others?
They didn’t know the sun
and moon would do that
anyway.
When did High Priests and Priestesses
realize they could convince the people
they were the tribe’s only link to the Gods?
All must make your supplications
through Me if you want
something done or not done.
They didn’t know things
would happen or not anyway.
When did we start calling it prayer?
Oh, God, please this or please
not that.
When prayers are answered
God and his Angels are heaped
with thanks and praise.
Thank you Lord for hearing my prayer.
But
When prayers are not answered
failure is placed at the feet
of the petitioner.
Oh Lord, what have I done
that I don’t deserve to have
my prayers answered?
I prayed every day
Keep my family safe from harm
especially the one in greatest danger
serving his country in a foreign land.
But
he died anyway.
What if
prayer does nothing?
What if
what seems to be an answered prayer
was going to happen anyway?
What if
what seems to be an unanswered prayer
was going to happen anyway?
What if
it doesn’t matter
whether we pray or not?
What if
it is going to happen or not
anyway?
© Beverly R. Titus
09/26/06
Rituals and Prayers – The Answers
Utter devastation and despair over my grandson’s death in Iraq plunged me into a spiritual meltdown. How could I ever trust God again? How could I ever pray again? How many times had I said All I can do is pray. Now prayer had failed me. I felt so vulnerable and powerless to protect my family. My upbringing and studies etched the power of prayer into my very Soul. For the first time in my life I was keenly aware that my prayer had not been answered according to my prayer. Now I saw what I had been taught all my life as a lie.
I knew he entered this lifetime with his own agenda. He had his list of things to be accomplished, loose ends to take care of before returning to spirit—mission accomplished. Beyond that understanding, I needed a new way to pray. We don’t always know what others have come back to do. So when I prayed for his protection and safety, what he came here to do over-rode my prayer. Let the highest good be served, did nothing to relieve my anger and pain. I spiraled out of control to the bottom of my spiritual pit.
When the student is ready the teacher appears, and so it was when I came across material dealing with, in part, the subject of Forgiveness. True Forgiveness, according to the material would shift consciousness toward the Law of Grace, the higher octave of the Law of Karma. The reader was asked if he/she was ready to truly forgive, and provided a general-category list of people, places, events and things that might represent issues. My issues were on that list. I thought about those whom I blamed. I saw them as my personal Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Rev 6:1-8). In addition, there were the nameless, faceless Iraqis responsible for making and planting the roadside bombs. Could I forgive them? While meditating on Forgiveness, I remembered Jesus said, Forgive them, Father, they know not what they do. (Luke 23:34)
I called on Angels, Archangels, Ascended Masters, Brotherhoods of Light and, yes, God Himself, to help me truly forgive. Naming each individual and saying I forgive you lifted the weight of spiritual decay from my heart and Soul. I felt a palpable shift of something within me. My relationship with God has been renewed (Good Shepherd that He is!). I was able to truly forgive.
I still needed a prayer.
Again the student was ready and I came across this little gem: In the words of Meister Eckart (13th century German, Dominican mystic), If the only prayer you say in your life is thank you, that would suffice. I have been saying thank you as part of my prayers for years! I had never lost my prayer after all.
Thank you. I give thanks for all I am and ever will be, all I have, and all I am able to do. I am truly Blessed.
Thank you.
© Beverly R. Titus
10/26/06
I feel that in addition to my other on-line journal Look What I'm Up To Now I need a space to share my own spiritual journey.
If you are interested how I got to this stage in my life, may I refer you to my bio on ConsciousCT. The point is, I don't want to use up space by duplicating what has already been done.
This journal will not be as prolific as "Look". The other one is all about my day-to-day life. A Very Personal Journey will be of a spiritual, holistic nature and will be added to as spirit moves me.
Check in from time to time. In the meantime, let me offer you wisdom I use as my motto from Garfield the Cat:
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you don't know what you can't do!
