Am I Responsible?

Last week as I was riding home on my bike I spotted a good size snapping turtle coming out of a swamp and would eventually cross the road. I took notice and rode on.

About a half mile down the road I saw a man out for his morning walk and I mentioned the turtle as a point of interest in nature. He smiled a very big smile and said something that sounded like he was very happy to hear that.

Today I rode past the same spot and I saw the smashed shell of a turtle in the grass where I had seen the live snapper. Just the shell, no flesh.

Did that man kill the turtle and take the flesh home for soup? There are people who do that. I felt so bad…to think that I might have been responsible because I mentioned it to that man.

He probably would have seen it anyway, but next time…if similar circumstances present themselves…I’ll keep my mouth shut.

Two Major Events

Even though I have not written in this journal for quite some time, it’s not that things have not been happening. Things are always happening! ☺ I just get so caught up in what is happening that I forget to share. And, I have to admit, because I post a lot on Facebook, I tend to neglect my two journals.

Event #1
“I always have what I need” and “I have what I need when I need it.” When it came to selling the house, I said right along that it would sell as soon as the place where I was supposed to go was on the market.

My condo showed up on the lists and I knew it was too good to last. It was in the area I wanted, it had the walk out basement I needed and the price was right. Even though I didn’t have an offer on my house (we were into month 6), I went with my agent to look at the condo. Boom! I got an offer on the house that stuck. The young couple who put the condo up for sale had not expected it to sell so quickly.

Once again my faith in God and how the Universe works was rewarded. It will work for anyone.

The difference between the sale and purchase was enough for me to finish the basement. Nay-sayers didn’t think it was possible. I proved them wrong. I had it done the way I wanted it to look (how I had envisioned it for so long) and I love my “cave.” Everyone who sees it loves it.

This is the first time I have ever occupied a space that was totally mine. No one shares it with me and there are no other opinions that count as to how it’s decorated (or not).

So the lesson here is to know you will always have what you need and you won’t get it until you absolutely need it. Knowing this is the trick.

Event #2
My mother always thought I was a little crazy because of my spiritual/metaphysical beliefs that were so different from her strict Catholic upbringing. I was raised Catholic, also, but even as a child I questioned (and kept that to myself) the teachings/dogma. As I grew older, married and had children, these doubts turned to seeking other philosophies. These other ways of looking at God and the natural world felt so right to me that I eventually moved away from my childhood upbringing. I never moved away from Jesus or God…I just understood them differently.

This past April my mother passed at age 98. Surrounding this event several interesting things happened.

a) a couple days before she died, a stuffed rabbit I had on the top of one of my bookcases fell to the floor. It had been wedged between the ceiling tile and the top shelf, so it was conceivable that it worked loose. I picked it up and put it on a lower shelf until such time as I would get the small step ladder and put it back.

b) when I received the call that she had passed the first thing I did was to pray for her safe, immediate passage back home to Spirit. What I saw was a beautiful gold butterfly encrusted with jewels. This piece was substantial…something you would see in a museum as an artifact from some ancient civilization. The butterfly was seen against the background of living black, which I know to be the “tunnel” we travel through on our way back home.

c) at her funeral a slight movement on top of the coffin caught my eye. It was a tiny Tinker Bell type creature sitting cross-legged and every once in a while she would rise up, wings a-blur , still cross-legged, having a wonderful time entertaining me. She never once faced the alter…I was her prime target. I truly believe this was my mother’s alter ego…a side of her I had never seen…the playful being. Her purpose seemed to be to ease my sadness.

d) two days after her funeral, I was sitting at my computer when I heard a fluttering noise and something hitting the floor in front of the bookcases. I found four books on the floor and, on the shelf where they had been, the stuffed toy owl, Hedwig, was moved. It was like Hedwig had stuck out her left wing and knocked the books off the shelf. No way! I got the step ladder and inspected the shelf for mouse turds, thinking it had to be a critter that pushed the books over the edge. Clean. Interestingly enough, these objects were directly under the place from where the rabbit fell.

OK. What did all that mean? Hedwig is Harry Potter’s messenger owl. But what was the message? The books themselves didn’t make sense…three politically correct humor books and one bird identification. It took me a while but I think I have figured it out. She was telling me that she ‘gets it.’ That she understands. I think she is now in the place where she will always ‘get it’…a place that she couldn’t access from the earth plane because it wasn’t for her to know this time around. AND, how clever of her to choose Harry’s messenger owl! The books were only to get my attention.

Being in this condo is part of my spiritual journey. Proof that visualization and faith really do work and it’s worth the wait, because, I will always have what I need and I will have it when I need it…not a moment before. And it is such a comfort to know my mother is Home.

The Highs and Lows of Life

A prospective buyer looked at the house twice! The second time being Wednesday, Feb. 3rd. On Saturday my agent called and said we had an offer…I told her to accept it. It was less than I had hoped to get, but I want to move on...soon.

Through the course of the evening we had a couple of conversations and I made it clear, because of the price I had agreed upon, I would not “give back” any amount of money…no half and half on things they felt needed to be done. We would sign the agreement on Monday the 8th and they wanted the closing on March 12th.

Sunday morning my agent called me to tell me they had backed out.

I’m still working on my anger and disappointment. I was with a small group last night and we worked on ridding ourselves of all negativity. The negativity that flowed from my hands (into a large bowl of water) was black, tar-like, bile-like gunk, and there was a lot of it. As hard as I tried, I could not get rid of the last remnant at the tips of my fingers. I still have some work to do.

We prayed for the people who backed out of the offer. We prayed that they find the perfect house for them and that they enjoy many years of happiness there.

We also prayed that I will get a binding offer…for a better price, and that my house will be sold quickly.

Feel free to join us in those prayers.

Prayers do work. This same group prayed last week and two things that we prayed for happened.

Change is Never Easy

It seems that whenever there are major changes in my life, everything called my life starts feeling like it’s being squeezed…imagine a tube of toothpaste.

This time around the changes are planned, but that does not diminish the squeeze.

With my mother in a nursing home I cannot afford this big house we shared. Getting it ready for sale is a big job in itself with all the picky, picky cleaning I have been forced to do. You are probably saying to yourself that I should have been doing that regularly anyway. You are right, but that is not within the nature of my beingness. I will put off such things in favor of so many other more pleasurable activities.

Frustration comes in bunches
I find myself trying to go through the process of readying the house for sale with very little money. So in the spirit of being squeezed through a small opening, things start costing me money I don’t have.

A couple weeks ago the hot water hose on the washing machine blew at 10 p.m. To make a long story short, it cost me a night’s sleep and close to $350 for a plumber in the middle of the night (which turned out to be 7:45 the next morning!). ☹

(You can read the whole sad story at my main blog, “Look What I’m Up To Now”. See Plumbing Problem, Monday, August 10th.)

Then I get a notice from the bank that holds the mortgage on this house my mortgage payment is going UP almost $260 a month. What happened? We used to get senior citizen assistance on town taxes based on my mother’s income…since she had life use of the house. With her in the nursing home the assistance was based on my income, which was higher than hers. Ergo, my assistance amount was nowhere near as lucrative.

And coming up, will be the cost of having the carpets professionally cleaned.

Spirituality
So what’s so spiritual about all this frustration and chaos? I see it as another test of Faith. I know from experience that I have always had what I needed. Always! Why should this be any different? Being mortal, I have a hard time staying out of the category of “Oh ye of little faith.” I keep reminding myself that I have always had what I needed and I will get through this. Everything will turn out OK.

So what do I need?
I need to sell this house. I really don’t want to do fishes and loaves for too many months. BUT, I can if I have to as long as I continue to acknowledge “someone else” is directing this operation.

Renewing the Contract

It has been so long since I last posted. It’s not that I haven’t had anything spiritual going on in my life…it’s more like I have too much of everything going on.

Since I returned from my Erie Canal bike ride, my mother has been in and out of the hospital and nursing home. Since October 10th, 2008, she has been home three weeks and two days. She’s 96 years old and has had two major abdominal surgeries. She has an indomitable spirit.

She and I have had conversations about we humans having signed contracts with God. The idea being we stay here on earth to the end of the contract. I believe it can be renewed, I’m sure it is in some cases, but there comes a time when God says, “That’s it. Fini.” And in a pre-planned event we make our exit.

I don’t know how many renewals she has had, but in the last year and a half she has come up with more things that should have ended her life here on earth. First she started falling and it turns out she also had bladder infections. What we thought for years was over active bladder turned out to be a bladder that had forgotten how to empty itself completely.

Once we had that under control she started with small intestine blockages. The first four were treated without surgery, but the 5th was different. She had just turned 96 and underwent abdominal surgery. Came through it with flying colors. A miracle! She finally came home from this one in December. She was home for 3 weeks and had another blockage.

Another surgery on January 6th of 2009. We all thought she was going to die. She pulled through. However, when she was transferred back to the nursing home on January 26th she was unable to walk. We thought she would never walk again. After one week of physical therapy she started walking.

The end of March she came out of the nursing home and we all expected this time she would not be going back to the hospital or nursing home ever again. Two days home and she twisted her right knee. Back to the ER and back to the nursing home.

She was back there about a week when she was transported back to the hospital with a high fever and she was diagnosed with a staph infection AND clots in her legs even though she had been on Coumadin. Another week in the hospital treating the infection and the clots and she’s now back in the nursing home.

We will probably never know what’s going on between her and her God, but the meetings must be interesting!

I guess one of the lessons is Never doubt the strength of the human spirit. And another is Never question why God keeps renewing the contract.

In my prayers I have offered everything up to God. I have told Him I can’t do this any more and I acknowledge He is in complete control. What a relief…for both of us. ☺

Guardian Angels

Have you ever seen your Guardian Angel? If you said "no", I bet you have, but didn’t know it.

Here’s my Guardian Angel story.
It was in the early ‘90s and I was scheduled to fly into the Ontario, CA airport to visit Pam and Steuart Bell who lived in Chino Hills. My flight was for mid-afternoon on a Friday. Then the line of severe weather (from Maine to Florida) came through and delayed all east coast air travel five hours.

By the time we finally took off, the flight plan took us north into Canada, over Lake Ontario, then south along Lake Michigan to O’Hare Airport in Chicago. We flew between storm clouds being lit internally by lightening. Our plane was so small by comparison…imagine a walnut sailing between two aircraft carriers. We actually saw Niagara Falls all lit up. What a sight! So far, this is the good news.

Once we deplaned, all connecting flights were long gone. United Airlines was offering vouchers for restaurants (which were all closed) and for hotel accommodations (but would not help obtaining those accommodations). I heard others screaming into phones that such and such hotel had to give them a room; after all they were stranded! I decided to bed down at O’Hare. After changing my flight plans to land in Los Angelis instead of Ontario (Pam and I were going to a Whole Health Expo right there in LA), I grabbed a couple of blankets from the United podium and stretched out on the waiting room seats to spend the night.

I could not have been safer. There was no one around except the cleaning people and they weren’t there for long. And it was cold. I found out that Chicago O’Hare is kept at 45 degrees and the rest of the warmth is made up from running equipment, lights and warm bodies. At night none of that exists except lights.

I woke up at one point and a man in his 30s was sitting at the end of the row of seats where I was sleeping. He had on sneakers, blue jeans, a plaid shirt, suede jacket, had a briefcase on his lap and was working on a legal size yellow pad (all night). He never looked my way. He never said a word. He was there all night and I had a sense of being watched over and protected.

In the morning, around 6 a.m., O’Hare came alive. The coffee vendors were the first to arrive and soon the whole place smelled delicious. I got up, folded my blankets, and gathered my backpack and one piece of carry-on luggage. As I turned toward where the man had been sitting, the seat was empty. I never saw him get up and leave.

I knew then he was my Guardian Angel. I’m not talking “metaphor”; I mean the Real Deal. How do I know? There are some things you just know.

Oh, yeah. Just so you know what happened to my luggage. It traveled on to Ontario Airport and arrived in Chino Hills 8 hours after I landed at LAX. At least it arrived! ☺

Why Am I Here?

This past Sunday my sons, Paul and Andy, came over to help clean out my garage. Andy could not believe how much junk we loaded into his truck to be hauled away. The garage looks so nice I frequently look in just to marvel! ☺ It felt good to see all that “stuff” go.

Then, as frequently happens, the Universe steps in and gives me confirmation of what just happened. I received the following today by email from Neale Donald Walsch (author of Conversations With God):

On this day of your life, Beverly, I believe God wants you to know...
....that earthly possessions are not what you came here to gather.

Do not worry about your earthly possessions. Place your attention on your heavenly goal--the evolution of your soul--and you will find peace even while on earth.

You will not have to think but a second to know exactly why you received this message today.

I didn’t have to think about why I received the message. I knew. I have a storage closet and three bookcases that have to be sorted through next. The last time I started divesting myself of “stuff” my kids thought I had some terminal illness and wasn’t telling them. That’s how much of a pack rat I am. In that instance I kept getting the message that I had to get ready to travel light. I wasn’t sure if light meant “weight” or “spiritual awakening.” As it turned out, it meant both.