Addiction, Depression and Suicide

Since Robin Williams’ death, we have been bombarded wall to wall with the pros and cons of addiction/depression/suicide.

Let me tell you about a guy I knew. I knew him and his problems, so this is first-hand information. His drinking was kept in check when his mother was alive. Even after he married, she kept him, and his father, on a short leash. After she died, he had no rudder to guide his life and alcohol took over. He went into rehab several times, but it was never very long before he was at it again. He died after drinking a quart of vodka a day for 5 days. Was that a version of suicide? Was that a subconscious decision to commit suicide? Maybe it was conscious. We’ll never know.

If you think an addicts suicide is an easy way out, a cowardly act, you apparently do not understand the addictive personality. I hope you never do understand it, because that would mean you, yourself, are an addict.

Was that person depressed? You cannot just stop depression. I have experienced depression, but it was fleeting, scary and to this day I don’t understand the “why” of it. I am able to understand others who are depressed and just can’t “shake it.” These people are not necessarily addicts. I know people struggling with depression right now who are not addicts.

I have an addictive personality. For 50 years I was addicted to nicotine. In addition to smoking it was an addiction to time, place, and situation. I became addicted at age 13. Most kids my age at that time didn’t smoke so I thought I was really cool. Tough. It was a ruse so my classmates wouldn’t know how shy and unsophisticated I was; what low self esteem I had. When I was 63 the addiction damned near killed me.

I thank God every day that my last resort attempt to quit worked. Acupuncture. Every year, on the anniversary of my first appointment with the acupuncturist, I send him an email thanking him for however many years it has been that I’ve been clean. This year, around Thanksgiving, I will send him an email acknowledging 15 years of freedom from the addiction. Freedom? Not exactly. Even though I have no desire to smoke, I know that my addictive personality lurks. I traded in smoking for a healthier lifestyle including exercising, walking and bike riding. So far so good.

So the next time you hear someone has committed suicide, whether or not they were addicted or depressed, please do not judge. Send them, and those they leave behind, love instead.